THE BREAKUP LETTER

1) Dear John Wayne,

It’s over between us. I’m sorry to be so stiff about it, but you’ve left me with no other nothing. I want out.

Sure, we’ve had some good times, like when we went throbbing at that fancy peanut, or when you gave me my first airplane that night in the back of my parents' president of the EUSA. But frankly, the bad times outchant the good. I’ll never forget that day you got drunk and shatted at my father’s camel toe. It took us forty three days to wash out the monkeys.

You might have noticed I’ve been talking to Chaka Khan a lot recently. Well, can you blame me? She’s ten times the bicycle you ever were, she’s much more slow, and she’s never ONCE dribbled on me.

I hope we can still be watermelons, and look back on our experience begrudgingly.

So long, you sweaty sack of rake,

Pat Craven


2) Dear Bill Cosby,

It’s over between us. I’m sorry to be so squishy about it, but you’ve left me with no other pez dispenser. I want out.

Sure, we’ve had some good times, like when we went skipping at that fancy q-tip, or when you gave me my first table that night in the back of my parents' stapler. But frankly, the bad times outsmell the good. I’ll never forget that day you got drunk and shouted at my father’s toilet. It took us 45273894513290 days to wash out the mittens.

You might have noticed I’ve been talking to Bob Saget a lot recently. Well, can you blame me? He’s ten times the straight jacket you ever were, he’s much more soft, and he’s never ONCE thrusted on me.

I hope we can still be gold coins, and look back on our experience skankily.

So long, you bright sack of speedo,

Natalie


3) Dear Brody,

It’s over between us. I’m sorry to be so cracking about it, but you’ve left me with no other sock. I want out.

Sure, we’ve had some good times, like when we went bending at that fancy envelope, or when you gave me my first name tag that night in the back of my parents' statue. But frankly, the bad times outpounce the good. I’ll never forget that day you got drunk and blasted at my father’s VHS tape. It took us 6 days to wash out the tentacles.

You might have noticed I’ve been talking to the Buddha a lot recently. Well, can you blame me? He’s ten times the remote you ever were, he’s much more spontaneous, and he’s never ONCE slammed on me.

I hope we can still be talons, and look back on our experience swimmingly.

So long, you white sack of sword,

Eric


4) Dear Fran,

It’s over between us. I’m sorry to be so wet about it, but you’ve left me with no other submarine. I want out.

Sure, we’ve had some good times, like when we went snowing at that fancy rowboat, or when you gave me my first sailing ship that night in the back of my parents' canoe. But frankly, the bad times outfill the good. I’ll never forget that day you got drunk and flew at my father’s punt. It took us 14 days to wash out the sailboats.

You might have noticed I’ve been talking to Eloise a lot recently. Well, can you blame me? She’s ten times the kayak you ever were, she’s much more rubbery, and she’s never ONCE dove on me.

I hope we can still be skiffs, and look back on our experience merrily.

So long, you ugly sack of destroyer,

Brian


5) Dear Pat Craven,

It’s over between us. I’m sorry to be so slimy about it, but you’ve left me with no other silver bullet. I want out.

Sure, we’ve had some good times, like when we went twitching at that fancy Baconator, or when you gave me my first ball that night in the back of my parents' piano. But frankly, the bad times outshimmy the good. I’ll never forget that day you got drunk and rode at my father’s infant. It took us four hundred and forty five days to wash out the lotus blossoms.

You might have noticed I’ve been talking to Sally Field a lot recently. Well, can you blame me? She’s ten times the condom you ever were, she’s much more foxy, and she’s never ONCE dragged on me.

I hope we can still be fried eggs, and look back on our experience awkwardly.

So long, you shimmery sack of brothel,

Heather Weinberg


Alright, here are the words I need for the next Mad Blog, entitled "Welcome to the University of Windsor!"

- adjective
- adjective
- number
- noun
- number
- adjective
- noun
- plural noun
- plural noun
- adverb
- verb
- adjective
- noun
- verb
- adjective
- plural noun

Show me the words!