Mad Blogs

MY BIRTHDAY WEEKEND

2007-11-04T17:11:00.000-08:00

by Laura:

Last Saturday, I celebrated my 8th birthday. It was lots of fun!

My friends and I started the night by pre-moaning at my house. Rachel was the first to show up, and even brought a present! I have to admit, I wasn’t crazy about getting a chain for my birthday, but then I remembered that it’s the handcuff that counts. I was much happier, though, with the present that Sandra brought. I’ve always wanted my own personal clown!

From there, things got real unwholesome real fast! We left my house and went panting downtown. Our first stop was an aggravating bar called “The Crazy Tapestry.” There, Rachel got hit on by all the guys. I think Sandra was a little jealous, but it was still a lot of fun to watch.

The rest of the night was a bit of a blur. I’m still trying to piece together what happened based on the photos that I took that night. So far, I think I’ve figured most of it out, but this one picture still baffles me:

All in all, I’d have to say that was my scarring-est birthday yet!

by Mitchell:

Last Saturday, I celebrated my Absolute Zeroth birthday. It was lots of fun!

My friends and I started the night by pre-failing at my house. Tiny Tim was the first to show up, and even brought a present! I have to admit, I wasn’t crazy about getting a weather balloon for my birthday, but then I remembered that it’s the water bottle that counts. I was much happier, though, with the present that Tinier Tim brought. I’ve always wanted my own personal crayon!

From there, things got real slippery real fast! We left my house and went poisoning downtown. Our first stop was a pale bar called “The Crazy Spoon.” There, Tiny Tim got hit on by all the guys. I think Tinier Tim was a little jealous, but it was still a lot of fun to watch.

The rest of the night was a bit of a blur. I’m still trying to piece together what happened based on the photos that I took that night. So far, I think I’ve figured most of it out, but this one picture still baffles me:

All in all, I’d have to say that was my unfortunate-est birthday yet!

by Dan R.:

Last Saturday, I celebrated my 6.13rd birthday. It was lots of fun!

My friends and I started the night by pre-creeping at my house. Myself was the first to show up, and even brought a present! I have to admit, I wasn’t crazy about getting an assistant for my birthday, but then I remembered that it’s the placemat that counts. I was much happier, though, with the present that Myself brought. I’ve always wanted my own personal synagogue!

From there, things got real gooey real fast! We left my house and went prancing downtown. Our first stop was a enigmatic bar called “The Crazy Raindrop.” There, Myself got hit on by all the guys. I think Myself was a little jealous, but it was still a lot of fun to watch.

The rest of the night was a bit of a blur. I’m still trying to piece together what happened based on the photos that I took that night. So far, I think I’ve figured most of it out, but this one picture still baffles me:

All in all, I’d have to say that was my testicle-est birthday yet!

by Margot:

Last Saturday, I celebrated my 277th birthday. It was lots of fun!

My friends and I started the night by pre-lollygaggin' at my house. Ghost of Christmas Past was the first to show up, and even brought a present! I have to admit, I wasn’t crazy about getting a bear for my birthday, but then I remembered that it’s the computer that counts. I was much happier, though, with the present that Ghost of April Fools Day Past brought. I’ve always wanted my own personal cloud!

From there, things got real cloudy real fast! We left my house and went dilly-dallying downtown. Our first stop was a loud bar called “The Crazy Smelly.” There, Ghost of Christmas Past got hit on by all the guys. I think Ghost of April Fools Day Past was a little jealous, but it was still a lot of fun to watch.

The rest of the night was a bit of a blur. I’m still trying to piece together what happened based on the photos that I took that night. So far, I think I’ve figured most of it out, but this one picture still baffles me:

All in all, I’d have to say that was my loudest birthday yet!

by Heather W.:

Last Saturday, I celebrated my 12th birthday. It was lots of fun!

My friends and I started the night by pre-punching at my house. Heather was the first to show up, and even brought a present! I have to admit, I wasn’t crazy about getting a wand for my birthday, but then I remembered that it’s the feather that counts. I was much happier, though, with the present that Joey Joe Joe Shabadoo brought. I’ve always wanted my own personal ball!

From there, things got real sensual real fast! We left my house and went rubbing downtown. Our first stop was an endearing bar called “The Crazy Leash.” There, Heather got hit on by all the guys. I think Joey Joe Joe Shabadoo was a little jealous, but it was still a lot of fun to watch.

The rest of the night was a bit of a blur. I’m still trying to piece together what happened based on the photos that I took that night. So far, I think I’ve figured most of it out, but this one picture still baffles me:

All in all, I’d have to say that was my obnoxious-est birthday yet!

by Eric A.:

Last Saturday, I celebrated my 19th birthday. It was lots of fun!

My friends and I started the night by pre-smacking at my house. Mr. Christie was the first to show up, and even brought a present! I have to admit, I wasn’t crazy about getting a raisin for my birthday, but then I remembered that it’s the ear plug that counts. I was much happier, though, with the present that Helga brought. I’ve always wanted my own personal shovel!

From there, things got real chocolate-covered real fast! We left my house and went rounding downtown. Our first stop was a correct bar called “The Crazy Berry.” There, Mr. Christie got hit on by all the guys. I think Helga was a little jealous, but it was still a lot of fun to watch.

The rest of the night was a bit of a blur. I’m still trying to piece together what happened based on the photos that I took that night. So far, I think I’ve figured most of it out, but this one picture still baffles me:

All in all, I’d have to say that was my whorish-est birthday yet!

Sorry for the delay in Mad Blogs. School's been pretty killer and a half. Here are the words I need for the next Mad Blog, entitled "A Mad Blog Sonnet." Again, I'm trying out something a little different.

- adjective
- verb ending in "ing"
- adjective
- noun rhyming with "self"
- noun
- verb
- adjective
- noun
- verb rhyming with "none"
- noun rhyming with "feel"
- adjective
- noun rhyming with that last adjective

THANKSGIVING

2007-10-17T21:12:00.000-07:00

by Vanessa S:

When most people think of Thanksgiving, they think of eating turkeys and spending time with family and binoculars, but for me, Thanksgiving is a time to reflect.

Ever since the Pilgrims landed on Plymouth Asbestos in the year π, we’ve celebrated Thanksgiving as an opportunity to think about the things for which we are grateful. For example, I don’t know where I’d be without milkshakes. Or Fluffy, my precious pet platypus. Or even emancipating on a Friday night. These are all things that I phonetically take for granted.

I asked my friend Demetris what he was thankful for, and he said “the smell of hot chipmunks in the morning.” I thought that was a very dangerous choice. He then mentioned that his family was of Nicaraguan descent, and didn’t actually celebrate Thanksgiving. I asked what they celebrated instead, and found out that the Nicaraguan alternative to Thanksgiving was called “Kul Uluk,” which roughly translates to “Day of Slicing Endoplasmic Reticulum.” He then showed me some footage of a traditional “Kul Uluk” celebration:

I never knew that before!

I’ll just add that to the list of things to be thankful for!

by Genevieve Macintyre:

When most people think of Thanksgiving, they think of dunking turkeys and spending time with family and papers, but for me, Thanksgiving is a time to reflect.

Ever since the Pilgrims landed on Plymouth Lamp in the year 99, we’ve celebrated Thanksgiving as an opportunity to think about the things for which we are grateful. For example, I don’t know where I’d be without computers. Or Fluffy, my precious pet donkey. Or even fluffing on a Friday night. These are all things that I drunkenly take for granted.

I asked my friend Daisy what she was thankful for, and she said “the smell of hot lightbulbs in the morning.” I thought that was a very stealthy choice. She then mentioned that her family was of Russian descent, and didn’t actually celebrate Thanksgiving. I asked what they celebrated instead, and found out that the Russian alternative to Thanksgiving was called “Kul Uluk,” which roughly translates to “Day of Bouncing Ocean.” She then showed me some footage of a traditional “Kul Uluk” celebration:

I never knew that before!

I’ll just add that to the list of things to be thankful for!

by Laura:

When most people think of Thanksgiving, they think of praying turkeys and spending time with family and suspenders, but for me, Thanksgiving is a time to reflect.

Ever since the Pilgrims landed on Plymouth Carcass in the year 21, we’ve celebrated Thanksgiving as an opportunity to think about the things for which we are grateful. For example, I don’t know where I’d be without horses. Or Fluffy, my precious pet armadillo. Or even huffing on a Friday night. These are all things that I noisily take for granted.

I asked my friend Aaron "Stinky" Feldman what he was thankful for, and he said “the smell of hot charters in the morning.” I thought that was a very arthritic choice. He then mentioned that his family was of Venezuelan descent, and didn’t actually celebrate Thanksgiving. I asked what they celebrated instead, and found out that the Venezuelan alternative to Thanksgiving was called “Kul Uluk,” which roughly translates to “Day of Misspelling Cactus.” He then showed me some footage of a traditional “Kul Uluk” celebration:

I never knew that before!

I’ll just add that to the list of things to be thankful for!

by Pat Craven:

When most people think of Thanksgiving, they think of plowing turkeys and spending time with family and bow ties, but for me, Thanksgiving is a time to reflect.

Ever since the Pilgrims landed on Plymouth Plunger in the year slevin, we’ve celebrated Thanksgiving as an opportunity to think about the things for which we are grateful. For example, I don’t know where I’d be without fingers. Or Fluffy, my precious pet t. rex. Or even skating on a Friday night. These are all things that I sloppily take for granted.

I asked my friend O.J. Simpson what he was thankful for, and he said “the smell of hot crusty socks in the morning.” I thought that was a very magical choice. He then mentioned that his family was of Half Jewish Half Chinese descent, and didn’t actually celebrate Thanksgiving. I asked what they celebrated instead, and found out that the Half Jewish Half Chinese alternative to Thanksgiving was called “Kul Uluk,” which roughly translates to “Day of Puffing Lightning Bolt.” He then showed me some footage of a traditional “Kul Uluk” celebration:

I never knew that before!

I’ll just add that to the list of things to be thankful for!

by Pop-Pops:

When most people think of Thanksgiving, they think of thanking turkeys and spending time with family and fish, but for me, Thanksgiving is a time to reflect.

Ever since the Pilgrims landed on Plymouth Tuna in the year 7, we’ve celebrated Thanksgiving as an opportunity to think about the things for which we are grateful. For example, I don’t know where I’d be without schools. Or Fluffy, my precious pet beluga whale. Or even fishing on a Friday night. These are all things that I swimmingly take for granted.

I asked my friend Harold what he was thankful for, and he said “the smell of hot sharks in the morning.” I thought that was a very fishy choice. He then mentioned that his family was of Japanese descent, and didn’t actually celebrate Thanksgiving. I asked what they celebrated instead, and found out that the Japanese alternative to Thanksgiving was called “Kul Uluk,” which roughly translates to “Day of Trolling Cod.” He then showed me some footage of a traditional “Kul Uluk” celebration:

I never knew that before!

I’ll just add that to the list of things to be thankful for!

by Natalie:

When most people think of Thanksgiving, they think of jumping turkeys and spending time with family and running shoes, but for me, Thanksgiving is a time to reflect.

Ever since the Pilgrims landed on Plymouth Knife in the year 67, we’ve celebrated Thanksgiving as an opportunity to think about the things for which we are grateful. For example, I don’t know where I’d be without finger nails. Or Fluffy, my precious pet zebra. Or even sucking on a Friday night. These are all things that I slowly take for granted.

I asked my friend Dilworth what he was thankful for, and he said “the smell of hot unicorns in the morning.” I thought that was a very fuzzy choice. He then mentioned that his family was of German descent, and didn’t actually celebrate Thanksgiving. I asked what they celebrated instead, and found out that the German alternative to Thanksgiving was called “Kul Uluk,” which roughly translates to “Day of Lifting Cell Phone.” He/She then showed me some footage of a traditional “Kul Uluk” celebration:

I never knew that before!

I’ll just add that to the list of things to be thankful for!

by Eric A.:

When most people think of Thanksgiving, they think of smashing turkeys and spending time with family and tongs, but for me, Thanksgiving is a time to reflect.

Ever since the Pilgrims landed on Plymouth Barnacle in the year 73, we’ve celebrated Thanksgiving as an opportunity to think about the things for which we are grateful. For example, I don’t know where I’d be without markers. Or Fluffy, my precious pet emu. Or even jumping on a Friday night. These are all things that I swimmingly take for granted.

I asked my friend Ishmael what he was thankful for, and he said “the smell of hot punches in the morning.” I thought that was a very shallow choice. He then mentioned that his family was of Cambodian descent, and didn’t actually celebrate Thanksgiving. I asked what they celebrated instead, and found out that the Cambodian alternative to Thanksgiving was called “Kul Uluk,” which roughly translates to “Day of Smacking Turkey.” He then showed me some footage of a traditional “Kul Uluk” celebration:

I never knew that before!

I’ll just add that to the list of things to be thankful for!

Hope all your thanksgivings were as memorable as the ones on this site! Next week's Mad Blog will be known as "My Birthday Weekend."

- number
- verb ending in "ing"
- name of person in room
- noun
- noun
- name of another person in room
- noun
- adjective
- verb ending in "ing"
- adjective
- noun
- image url
- adjective

Hi ho Mad Blogs, away!

WHY I LOVE VIA RAIL

2007-10-06T00:30:00.000-07:00

by Laura:

Whenever I visit another city, the only mode of transportation for me is Via rail. Whether I’m traveling to Yellowknife or Beijing, no other company offers me as delicate service as Via rail.

Today, for example, when I went to buy my ticket to Owen Sound, the lady at the kiosk treated me loftily, making me feel very putrid. The train itself left only 14 minutes late- a new record!

While on the train, I was offered a wide selection of foods to purchase. The grilled hamburger looked a little stale, so I decided to order the finger instead. Mmm!

The man sitting next to me was certainly fun company! He talked to me at length about his canister problems, which made the Via rail experience that much more shifty.

Best of all, I had a window seat, allowing me to look out at the majestic landscape. Here’s a photo took outside my window about halfway through the trip:

By the time I reached Owen Sound, although my throat had gone completely numb from the seats, I was sad that my Via rail trip was over. But still, there’s always next trip!

by Pat Craven:

Whenever I visit another city, the only mode of transportation for me is Via rail. Whether I’m traveling to Wallawalla or Kalamazoo, no other company offers me as misty service as Via rail.

Today, for example, when I went to buy my ticket to Seattle, the lady at the kiosk treated me passionately, making me feel very sweet. The train itself left only 27 minutes late- a new record!

While on the train, I was offered a wide selection of foods to purchase. The grilled booger looked a little stale, so I decided to order the pocket ass instead. Mmm!

The man sitting next to me was certainly fun company! He talked to me at length about his trophy problems, which made the Via rail experience that much more hairy.

Best of all, I had a window seat, allowing me to look out at the majestic landscape. Here’s a photo took outside my window about halfway through the trip:

By the time I reached Seattle, although my gooch had gone completely numb from the seats, I was sad that my Via rail trip was over. But still, there’s always next trip!

by Heather W:

Whenever I visit another city, the only mode of transportation for me is Via rail. Whether I’m traveling to Petawawa or Adelaide, no other company offers me as wrinkled service as Via rail.

Today, for example, when I went to buy my ticket to Leamington, the lady at the kiosk treated me rapidly, making me feel very steaming. The train itself left only one minute late- a new record!

While on the train, I was offered a wide selection of foods to purchase. The grilled burlap sack looked a little stale, so I decided to order the bat instead. Mmm!

The man sitting next to me was certainly fun company! He talked to me at length about his corn cob problems, which made the Via rail experience that much more oozing.

Best of all, I had a window seat, allowing me to look out at the majestic landscape. Here’s a photo took outside my window about halfway through the trip:

By the time I reached Leamington, although my knee pit had gone completely numb from the seats, I was sad that my Via rail trip was over. But still, there’s always next trip!

by Pops:

Whenever I visit another city, the only mode of transportation for me is Via rail. Whether I’m traveling to Sydney or Walla-walla, no other company offers me as smelly service as Via rail.

Today, for example, when I went to buy my ticket to Capetown, the lady at the kiosk treated me quickly, making me feel very stinky. The train itself left only 32 minutes late- a new record!

While on the train, I was offered a wide selection of foods to purchase. The grilled poo looked a little stale, so I decided to order the turd instead. Mmm!

The man sitting next to me was certainly fun company! He talked to me at length about his dump problems, which made the Via rail experience that much more very large.

Best of all, I had a window seat, allowing me to look out at the majestic landscape. Here’s a photo took outside my window about halfway through the trip:

By the time I reached Capetown, although my colon had gone completely numb from the seats, I was sad that my Via rail trip was over. But still, there’s always next trip!

Here are the words I need for the next installment of Mad Blogs, entitled "Thanksgiving:"

- verb ending in "ing"
- plural noun
- noun
- number
- plural noun
- animal
- verb ending in "ing"
- adverb
- name of person in room
- plural noun
- adjective
- ethnicity
- verb inding in "ing"
- noun
- url of a youtube video

Next stop: more Mad Blogs!

TV'S 2007 FALL LINE-UP

2007-09-28T19:03:00.000-07:00

by Eric A.:

Even if you don’t watch a lot of television, the fall line-up of new shows looks too good to miss!

One new show, entitled “Welcome to New Jersey,” stars Pat Sajak as a recently widowed father of 23 children who takes them to a new town so they can start over. The only catch: everyone in the town is a knife! “Welcome to New Jersey” will premiere on September 31st on the Cape network.

If that’s a little too delightful to your liking, you should check out “Dare to Leap,” a show that peeks into the life of an accountant as he attempts to make it big. Will he succeed? Tune in to channel 90 on Tuesday nights to find out!

Last but not least is the show I’m personally looking forward to the most: “Bells.” I could tell you what it’s about, but this preview clip more than speaks for itself:

“Bells” airs this Sunday on the Women’s Network. Check it out!

by Pop-pop:

Even if you don’t watch a lot of television, the fall line-up of new shows looks too good to miss!

One new show, entitled “Welcome to Oslo,” stars Rusty the Rooster as a recently widowed father of 11 1/2 children who takes them to a new town so they can start over. The only catch: everyone in the town is an egg! “Welcome to Oslo” will premiere on September 31st on the feather network.

If that’s a little too wispy to your liking, you should check out “Dare to Lay,” a show that peeks into the life of a chicken thief as he attempts to make it big. Will he succeed? Tune in to channel 4.3 on Tuesday nights to find out!

Last but not least is the show I’m personally looking forward to the most: “Pullets.” I could tell you what it’s about, but this preview clip more than speaks for itself:

“Pullets” airs this Sunday on the Women’s Network. Check it out!

by Amanda:

Even if you don’t watch a lot of television, the fall line-up of new shows looks too good to miss!

One new show, entitled “Welcome to Medicine Hat,” stars Carrot Top as a recently widowed father of 111 children who takes them to a new town so they can start over. The only catch: everyone in the town is a lampshade! “Welcome to Medicine Hat” will premiere on September 31st on the Shrub network.

If that’s a little too scrumtrilescent to your liking, you should check out “Dare to Play,” a show that peeks into the life of a garage door salesman as he attempts to make it big. Will he succeed? Tune in to channel 9 on Tuesday nights to find out!

Last but not least is the show I’m personally looking forward to the most: “Puppies.” I could tell you what it’s about, but this preview clip more than speaks for itself:

“Puppies” airs this Sunday on the Women’s Network. Check it out!

by Pat Craven:

Even if you don’t watch a lot of television, the fall line-up of new shows looks too good to miss!

One new show, entitled “Welcome to Flint,” stars Michael Moore as a recently widowed father of 23 children who takes them to a new town so they can start over. The only catch: everyone in the town is a terrorist! “Welcome to Flint” will premiere on September 31st on the Weapon of Mass Destruction network.

If that’s a little too fat to your liking, you should check out “Dare to Bowl,” a show that peeks into the life of a film maker as he attempts to make it big. Will he succeed? Tune in to channel 24 on Tuesday nights to find out!

Last but not least is the show I’m personally looking forward to the most: “Jugs.” I could tell you what it’s about, but this preview clip more than speaks for itself:

“Jugs” airs this Sunday on the Women’s Network. Check it out!

by Courtney:

Even if you don’t watch a lot of television, the fall line-up of new shows looks too good to miss!

One new show, entitled “Welcome to Riverdale,” stars Larry Craig as a recently widowed father of 42 children who takes them to a new town so they can start over. The only catch: everyone in the town is a remote control! “Welcome to Riverdale” will premiere on September 31st on the Toilet Plunger network.

If that’s a little too radiant to your liking, you should check out “Dare to Overflow,” a show that peeks into the life of a prosthetist as he attempts to make it big. Will he succeed? Tune in to channel 1543 on Tuesday nights to find out!

Last but not least is the show I’m personally looking forward to the most: “Tampons.” I could tell you what it’s about, but this preview clip more than speaks for itself:

“Tampons” airs this Sunday on the Women’s Network. Check it out!

by Heather W:

Even if you don’t watch a lot of television, the fall line-up of new shows looks too good to miss!

One new show, entitled “Welcome to Seattle” stars Rob Reiner as a recently widowed father of eleven children who takes them to a new town so they can start over. The only catch: everyone in the town is a drumstick! “Welcome to Seattle” will premiere on September 31st on the Thong network.

If that’s a little too delicious to your liking, you should check out “Dare to Pounce,” a show that peeks into the life of a receptionist as he attempts to make it big. Will he succeed? Tune in to channel 3.14 on Tuesday nights to find out!

Last but not least is the show I’m personally looking forward to the most: “Rolls.” I could tell you what it’s about, but this preview clip more than speaks for itself:

“Rolls” airs this Sunday on the Women’s Network. Check it out!

by Cristina:

Even if you don’t watch a lot of television, the fall line-up of new shows looks too good to miss!

One new show, entitled “Welcome to Cleveland” stars Pamela Anderson as a recently widowed mother of 29 children who takes them to a new town so they can start over. The only catch: everyone in the town is an ice cream! “Welcome to Cleveland” will premiere on September 31st on the Glue network.

If that’s a little too wonky to your liking, you should check out “Dare to Grasp,” a show that peeks into the life of a telephone operator as he attempts to make it big. Will he succeed? Tune in to channel 54 on Tuesday nights to find out!

Last but not least is the show I’m personally looking forward to the most: “Nails.” I could tell you what it’s about, but this preview clip more than speaks for itself:

“Nails” airs this Sunday on the Women’s Network. Check it out!

by Laura:

Even if you don’t watch a lot of television, the fall line-up of new shows looks too good to miss!

One new show, entitled “Welcome to Cairo” stars Phil from TVO Kids as a recently widowed father of 15 children who takes them to a new town so they can start over. The only catch: everyone in the town is a snake! “Welcome to Cairo” will premiere on September 31st on the Mouth network.

If that’s a little too stinky to your liking, you should check out “Dare to Chase,” a show that peeks into the life of a juggler as he attempts to make it big. Will he succeed? Tune in to channel 90 on Tuesday nights to find out!

Last but not least is the show I’m personally looking forward to the most: “Chains.” I could tell you what it’s about, but this preview clip more than speaks for itself:

“Chains” airs this Sunday on the Women’s Network. Check it out!

Next Mad Blog is entitled "Why I Love Via Rail" and requires the following:

- name of city
- name of city
- adjective
- name of city
- adverb
- adjective
- number
- noun
- noun
- noun
- adjective
- (non pornographic) image url
- part of body

I'll make you a Mad Blog you can't refuse.

A GUIDE TO DATING, PART 1: MEETING THE RIGHT PERSON

2007-09-21T20:51:00.000-07:00

by Courtney:

Has this ever happened to you: You meet someone special, go on a few dates, and just when things start getting serious, you find out they are members of the Church of Scientology? Or maybe that they can’t get along with your great aunt Guadalupe? Or perhaps that they have a bizarre sexual fetish? Or maybe a combination of the three?

After times like these, the prospect of meeting Mr. or Mrs. SPELLBINDING may seem impossible. But frolic not! If you follow these simple directions, you’ll be meeting the person of your flames in no time.

First, you need to find someone with the same interests as you. A streaking class would be the perfect opportunity to meet such people. Or, for those of you with more repulsive tastes, a stench-lovers club will have you meeting your match before you can say "OMG!!!!1”

Remember: if at first, you don’t succeed, pounce, pounce again!

by Pat Craven:

Has this ever happened to you: You meet someone special, go on a few dates, and just when things start getting serious, you find out they are members of the Church of Craven? Or maybe that they can’t get along with your evil step sister? Or perhaps that they have a bizarre sexual fetish? Or maybe a combination of the three?

After times like these, the prospect of meeting Mr. or Mrs. Pointy may seem impossible. But run not! If you follow these simple directions, you’ll be meeting the person of your geese in no time.

First, you need to find someone with the same interests as you. A shuttering class would be the perfect opportunity to meet such people. Or, for those of you with more lonely tastes, a dish soap-lovers club will have you meeting your match before you can say “WILMA!”

Remember: if at first, you don’t succeed, diddle, diddle again!

by Mom & Dad:

Has this ever happened to you: You meet someone special, go on a few dates, and just when things start getting serious, you find out they are members of the Church of Druidism? Or maybe that they can’t get along with your step-sister? Or perhaps that they have a bizarre sexual fetish? Or maybe a combination of the three?

After times like these, the prospect of meeting Mr. or Mrs. Fat may seem impossible. But masticate not! If you follow these simple directions, you’ll be meeting the person of your jugs in no time.

First, you need to find someone with the same interests as you. A phoning class would be the perfect opportunity to meet such people. Or, for those of you with more horny tastes, an ass-lovers club will have you meeting your match before you can say “Golly!”

Remember: if at first, you don’t succeed, trot, trot again!

by Johnnehm:

Has this ever happened to you: You meet someone special, go on a few dates, and just when things start getting serious, you find out they are members of the Church of Jonism? Or maybe that they can’t get along with your slow cousing Rudy? Or perhaps that they have a bizarre sexual fetish? Or maybe a combination of the three?

After times like these, the prospect of meeting Mr. or Mrs. Ugly may seem impossible. But masturbate not! If you follow these simple directions, you’ll be meeting the person of your bedrooms in no time.

First, you need to find someone with the same interests as you. An eating class would be the perfect opportunity to meet such people. Or, for those of you with more smelly tastes, a television-lovers club will have you meeting your match before you can say “WTF!?”

Remember: if at first, you don’t succeed, skip, skip again!

by Sparrow Misterioso:

Has this ever happened to you: You meet someone special, go on a few dates, and just when things start getting serious, you find out they are members of the Church of Paganism? Or maybe that they can’t get along with your great-uncle? Or perhaps that they have a bizarre sexual fetish? Or maybe a combination of the three?

After times like these, the prospect of meeting Mr. or Mrs. Bewildering may seem impossible. But shake not! If you follow these simple directions, you’ll be meeting the person of your chains in no time.

First, you need to find someone with the same interests as you. A pinching class would be the perfect opportunity to meet such people. Or, for those of you with more hearty tastes, a lung-lovers club will have you meeting your match before you can say “My word!”

Remember: if at first, you don’t succeed, liquify, liquify again!

by Christina:

Has this ever happened to you: You meet someone special, go on a few dates, and just when things start getting serious, you find out they are members of the Church of Atheism? Or maybe that they can’t get along with your step-daughter? Or perhaps that they have a bizarre sexual fetish? Or maybe a combination of the three?

After times like these, the prospect of meeting Mr. or Mrs. Red Hot may seem impossible. But spit not! If you follow these simple directions, you’ll be meeting the person of your catz in no time.

First, you need to find someone with the same interests as you. A leaping class would be the perfect opportunity to meet such people. Or, for those of you with more gnarly tastes, a cactus-lovers club will have you meeting your match before you can say “NO WAI!!!!”

Remember: if at first, you don’t succeed, lick, lick again!

by Heather W:

Has this ever happened to you: You meet someone special, go on a few dates, and just when things start getting serious, you find out they are members of the Church of Buddhism? Or maybe that they can’t get along with your brother Bilo? Or perhaps that they have a bizarre sexual fetish? Or maybe a combination of the three?

After times like these, the prospect of meeting Mr. or Mrs. Brittle may seem impossible. But shimmy not! If you follow these simple directions, you’ll be meeting the person of your posies in no time.

First, you need to find someone with the same interests as you. A groping class would be the perfect opportunity to meet such people. Or, for those of you with more intriguing tastes, a lube-lovers club will have you meeting your match before you can say “Dang, yo!”

Remember: if at first, you don’t succeed, cuddle, cuddle again!

Okay, so while I liked the idea of distinguishing between what I wrote and the words you guys submitted, I felt that the bold was a bit too distracting, like I was yelling at the reader every 2 seconds. Does underline work better?

Here are the words I need for the next Mad Blog (entitled "TV’s 2007 Fall Line-up"):

- name of city
- name of celebrity
- number
- noun
- noun
- adjective
- verb
- name of profession
- number
- plural noun
- url of a youtube video

Madness? THIS! IS! MADBLOGS!

WELCOME TO THE UNIVERSITY OF WINDSOR!

2007-09-13T23:17:00.000-07:00

by Heather W:

Welcome to the University of Windsor! We understand that your decision to attend our institution was a dashing one, but you won’t be heinous! Here are some reasons why:

-Maclean’s magazine has named the U of Windsor the number eighty university in Canada in terms of crab-person satisfaction, and number one in terms of moldy grades.

-We’ve recently doubled the budget of the egg department, which means that they can finally afford cows!

-Thanks to campus pipes on duty 24 hours a day, we can aggressively say that it’s now safe to thrust at night!

-We’ve gotten rid of our old slogan: “You’re this close to an old webcam,” and have replaced it with the far superior “University of Windsor: Climb the magic!”

We hope that you find the University as beautiful as we do. Good luck with the coming sewage tanks!

by Lauren K:

Welcome to the University of Windsor! We understand that your decision to attend our institution was an illustrious one, but you won’t be invincible! Here are some reasons why:

-Maclean’s magazine has named the U of Windsor the number 1987 university in Canada in terms of bat satisfaction, and number 5 in terms of grainy grades.

-We’ve recently doubled the budget of the wallaby department, which means that they can finally afford hula dancers!

-Thanks to campus penguins on duty 24 hours a day, we can readily say that it’s now safe to combust at night!

-We’ve gotten rid of our old slogan: “You’re this close to a stinky lady,” and have replaced it with the far superior “University of Windsor: fellate the magic!”

We hope that you find the University as awesome as we do. Good luck with the coming koalas!

by Genevieve Macintyre:

Welcome to the University of Windsor! We understand that your decision to attend our institution was a hairy one, but you won’t be red! Here are some reasons why:

-Maclean’s magazine has named the U of Windsor the number 42 university in Canada in terms of cat satisfaction, and number 7 in terms of fermented grades.

-We’ve recently doubled the budget of the car department, which means that they can finally afford keyboards!

-Thanks to campus toilet paper rolls on duty 24 hours a day, we can happily say that it’s now safe to honk at night!

-We’ve gotten rid of our old slogan: “You’re this close to a hairy elf,” and have replaced it with the far superior “University of Windsor: run the magic!”

We hope that you find the University as nothing as we do. Good luck with the coming cow bells!

by Dad & Mom:

Welcome to the University of Windsor! We understand that your decision to attend our institution was a hairy one, but you won’t be crappy! Here are some reasons why:

-Maclean’s magazine has named the U of Windsor the number 42 university in Canada in terms of horse satisfaction, and number 97 in terms of smelly grades.

-We’ve recently doubled the budget of the dung department, which means that they can finally afford piles!

-Thanks to campus hemorrhoids on duty 24 hours a day, we can slowly say that it’s now safe to seep at night!

-We’ve gotten rid of our old slogan: “You’re this close to a lonely dwarf,” and have replaced it with the far superior “University of Windsor: think the magic!”

We hope that you find the University as angry as we do. Good luck with the coming monkeys!

by Eric A.:

Welcome to the University of Windsor! We understand that your decision to attend our institution was a creepy one, but you won’t be fat! Here are some reasons why:

-Maclean’s magazine has named the U of Windsor the number 97 university in Canada in terms of card satisfaction, and number 29 in terms of carpeted grades.

-We’ve recently doubled the budget of the pillow department, which means that they can finally afford stairs!

-Thanks to campus dice on duty 24 hours a day, we can quickly say that it’s now safe to snap at night!

-We’ve gotten rid of our old slogan: “You’re this close to a broken wallet,” and have replaced it with the far superior “University of Windsor: gargle the magic!”

We hope that you find the University as loud as we do. Good luck with the coming spaces!

by Sparrow Misterioso:

Welcome to the University of Windsor! We understand that your decision to attend our institution was a sloppy one, but you won’t be sarcastic! Here are some reasons why:

-Maclean’s magazine has named the U of Windsor the number 13 university in Canada in terms of beer satisfaction, and number 21 in terms of talkative grades.

-We’ve recently doubled the budget of the field department, which means that they can finally afford minds!

-Thanks to campus souls on duty 24 hours a day, we can heartily say that it’s now safe to chew at night!

-We’ve gotten rid of our old slogan: “You’re this close to a sparkly basin,” and have replaced it with the far superior “University of Windsor: shimmer the magic!”

We hope that you find the University as enthusiastic as we do. Good luck with the coming galoshes!

by Craven!:

Welcome to the University of Windsor! We understand that your decision to attend our institution was a cheap one, but you won’t be drunk! Here are some reasons why:

-Maclean’s magazine has named the U of Windsor the number 7 university in Canada in terms of goat satisfaction, and number 34 in terms of tired grades.

-We’ve recently doubled the budget of the wheelbarrow department, which means that they can finally afford boobies!

-Thanks to campus undies on duty 24 hours a day, we can slipperily say that it’s now safe to poop at night!

-We’ve gotten rid of our old slogan: “You’re this close to a stanky racing stripe,” and have replaced it with the far superior “University of Windsor: shoot the magic!”

We hope that you find the University as melancholy as we do. Good luck with the coming buddhas!

by Cristina:

Welcome to the University of Windsor! We understand that your decision to attend our institution was a grimy one, but you won’t be moist! Here are some reasons why:

-Maclean’s magazine has named the U of Windsor the number 555 university in Canada in terms of lamp satisfaction, and number 666 in terms of sarcastic grades.

-We’ve recently doubled the budget of the trumpet department, which means that they can finally afford screwdrivers!

-Thanks to campus cats on duty 24 hours a day, we can amazingly say that it’s now safe to decompose at night!

-We’ve gotten rid of our old slogan: “You’re this close to a shiny starfish,” and have replaced it with the far superior “University of Windsor: read the magic!”

We hope that you find the University as prickly as we do. Good luck with the coming unicorns!

As you can see, I tried some new stuff out for this blog, including bolding the words that were supplied by you guys, and I also included a picture I photoshopped to match with one of the stories. Are these changes, particularly the bolding, for the better? Or do they make the pieces distracting? Let me know!

Anyways, the words I need for the next Mad Blog (entitled "A Guide to Dating, Part 1: Meeting the Right Person) are as follows (again, I'm going to be toying with some ideas, so bear with me):

- name of religion
- member of family
- pre-existing url (preferably non-pornographic)
- adjective
- verb
- plural noun
- verb ending in "ing"
- adjective
- noun
- exclamation
- verb

See you soon: Same Mad Blog time, same Mad Blog channel.

THE BREAKUP LETTER

2007-09-12T18:43:00.000-07:00

1) Dear John Wayne,

It’s over between us. I’m sorry to be so stiff about it, but you’ve left me with no other nothing. I want out.

Sure, we’ve had some good times, like when we went throbbing at that fancy peanut, or when you gave me my first airplane that night in the back of my parents' president of the EUSA. But frankly, the bad times outchant the good. I’ll never forget that day you got drunk and shatted at my father’s camel toe. It took us forty three days to wash out the monkeys.

You might have noticed I’ve been talking to Chaka Khan a lot recently. Well, can you blame me? She’s ten times the bicycle you ever were, she’s much more slow, and she’s never ONCE dribbled on me.

I hope we can still be watermelons, and look back on our experience begrudgingly.

So long, you sweaty sack of rake,

Pat Craven

2) Dear Bill Cosby,

It’s over between us. I’m sorry to be so squishy about it, but you’ve left me with no other pez dispenser. I want out.

Sure, we’ve had some good times, like when we went skipping at that fancy q-tip, or when you gave me my first table that night in the back of my parents' stapler. But frankly, the bad times outsmell the good. I’ll never forget that day you got drunk and shouted at my father’s toilet. It took us 45273894513290 days to wash out the mittens.

You might have noticed I’ve been talking to Bob Saget a lot recently. Well, can you blame me? He’s ten times the straight jacket you ever were, he’s much more soft, and he’s never ONCE thrusted on me.

I hope we can still be gold coins, and look back on our experience skankily.

So long, you bright sack of speedo,

Natalie

3) Dear Brody,

It’s over between us. I’m sorry to be so cracking about it, but you’ve left me with no other sock. I want out.

Sure, we’ve had some good times, like when we went bending at that fancy envelope, or when you gave me my first name tag that night in the back of my parents' statue. But frankly, the bad times outpounce the good. I’ll never forget that day you got drunk and blasted at my father’s VHS tape. It took us 6 days to wash out the tentacles.

You might have noticed I’ve been talking to the Buddha a lot recently. Well, can you blame me? He’s ten times the remote you ever were, he’s much more spontaneous, and he’s never ONCE slammed on me.

I hope we can still be talons, and look back on our experience swimmingly.

So long, you white sack of sword,

Eric

4) Dear Fran,

It’s over between us. I’m sorry to be so wet about it, but you’ve left me with no other submarine. I want out.

Sure, we’ve had some good times, like when we went snowing at that fancy rowboat, or when you gave me my first sailing ship that night in the back of my parents' canoe. But frankly, the bad times outfill the good. I’ll never forget that day you got drunk and flew at my father’s punt. It took us 14 days to wash out the sailboats.

You might have noticed I’ve been talking to Eloise a lot recently. Well, can you blame me? She’s ten times the kayak you ever were, she’s much more rubbery, and she’s never ONCE dove on me.

I hope we can still be skiffs, and look back on our experience merrily.

So long, you ugly sack of destroyer,

Brian

5) Dear Pat Craven,

It’s over between us. I’m sorry to be so slimy about it, but you’ve left me with no other silver bullet. I want out.

Sure, we’ve had some good times, like when we went twitching at that fancy Baconator, or when you gave me my first ball that night in the back of my parents' piano. But frankly, the bad times outshimmy the good. I’ll never forget that day you got drunk and rode at my father’s infant. It took us four hundred and forty five days to wash out the lotus blossoms.

You might have noticed I’ve been talking to Sally Field a lot recently. Well, can you blame me? She’s ten times the condom you ever were, she’s much more foxy, and she’s never ONCE dragged on me.

I hope we can still be fried eggs, and look back on our experience awkwardly.

So long, you shimmery sack of brothel,

Heather Weinberg

Alright, here are the words I need for the next Mad Blog, entitled "Welcome to the University of Windsor!"

- adjective
- adjective
- number
- noun
- number
- adjective
- noun
- plural noun
- plural noun
- adverb
- verb
- adjective
- noun
- verb
- adjective
- plural noun

Show me the words!

MIDNIGHT

2007-09-09T23:31:00.000-07:00

by ktron:

Sheila sighed as the rain fell like crocs outside her window. In a few minutes, the plumber would bound up her front steps, reeking of acrylic paint. And like all the other times, after a night of swaying, he would only be after one thing: Pogs. Shivers worked their way down her femur. Her reverie was quickly rowed by a small figure at the doorway.
“Mommy?” the exterminator said groggily, “Can you read me a story? I can’t throw.” Before Sheila could stomp, a loud knock came from the front entrance downstairs. “Who’s that?” her nothing-year-old child asked.
“Exterminator, go to your room.” Sheila said languidly. “Go to your room and no matter what you hear, don’t open your India.” She rushed by him, down the flight of balls, and opened the front door.

by this is switz :):

Sheila sighed as the rain fell like babies outside her window. In a few minutes, Brock would bound up her front steps, reeking of Maple Syrup. And like all the other times, after a night of plotting, he would only be after one thing: spazs. Shivers worked their way down her booty. Her reverie was quickly punted by a small figure at the doorway.
“Mommy?” Katie V. (V for Virgin) said groggily, “Can you read me a story? I can’t stumble.” Before Sheila could wrestle, a loud knock came from the front entrance downstairs. “Who’s that?” her 13-year-old child asked.
“Katie V. (V for Virgin), go to your room.” Sheila said boringly. “Go to your room and no matter what you hear, don’t open your opossum.” She rushed by her, down the flight of oxen, and opened the front door.

by pat craven:

Sheila sighed as the rain fell like feti outside her window. In a few minutes, Eddie Moss would bound up her front steps, reeking of hot apple cider. And like all the other times, after a night of thrusting, he would only be after one thing: oxen. Shivers worked their way down her Achilles heel. Her reverie was quickly fucked by a small figure at the doorway.
“Mommy?” Abe Vigoda said groggily, “Can you read me a story? I can’t cry.” Before Sheila could spit, a loud knock came from the front entrance downstairs. “Who’s that?” her seven hundred and seventy seven-year-old child asked.
“Abe Vigoda, go to your room.” Sheila said hornily. “Go to your room and no matter what you hear, don’t open your penis.” She rushed by him, down the flight of vaginas, and opened the front door.

by anonymous:

Sheila sighed as the rain fell like glasses outside her window. In a few minutes, dad would bound up her front steps, reeking of liquid soap. And like all the other times, after a night of climbing, he would only be after one thing: marbles. Shivers worked their way down her toe. Her reverie was quickly sauntered by a small figure at the doorway.
“Mommy?” Stephen said groggily, “Can you read me a story? I can’t shiver.” Before Sheila could drill, a loud knock came from the front entrance downstairs. “Who’s that?” her 27-year-old child asked.
“Stephen, go to your room.” Sheila said earnestly. “Go to your room and no matter what you hear, don’t open your bamboo.” She rushed by him, down the flight of scissors, and opened the front door.

by heather w:

Sheila sighed as the rain fell like pickles outside her window. In a few minutes, Topsy Kretts would bound up her front steps, reeking of strawberry milk. And like all the other times, after a night of moonwalking, he would only be after one thing: Ipods. Shivers worked their way down her olfactory bulb. Her reverie was quickly cock-blocked by a small figure at the doorway.
“Mommy?” Clementine said groggily, “Can you read me a story? I can’t grind.” Before Sheila could shank, a loud knock came from the front entrance downstairs. “Who’s that?” her seventeen-year-old child asked.
“Clementine, go to your room.” Sheila said erotically. “Go to your room and no matter what you hear, don’t open your fetus.” She rushed by her, down the flight of crabs, and opened the front door.

What wild and wacky fun! Thanks to everyone who contributed. I hope you enjoyed these stories as much as I did.

Here are the words I need for the next Mad Blog. Not that this should steer you in any direction, but the title of the next piece is called "The Breakup Letter."

- person in room
- adjective
- noun
- verb ending in "ing"
- noun
- noun
- noun
- verb
- verb past tense
- noun
- number
- plural noun
- another person in room
- noun
- adjective
- verb past tense
- plural noun
- adverb
- adjective
- noun
- your name

Hit me back with some words, and I'll hit you up with some MAD BLOGS.

Let's get this show on the noun!

2007-09-07T21:02:00.000-07:00

Okay, so this is the first post of my brand new blog, which is essentially Mad Libs online. The instructions are located at the top left of the site, but hopefully it'll be pretty easy to follow: I ask for words, you comment with those words, and then I post a new entry, with your words filling in the blanks. I'll post multiple versions of the same story for each individual person who comments with words. Then, at the end, I'll include a new set of word requirements for you to comment with.

Cool?

Normally, I'd start a post with a story using words given to me from the previous entry. However, since this is the first entry, we'll start with just the word requirements. Please comment back with a word for each requirement. I don't care about censorship, but I might have to edit if I ask for a verb and you give me "lamp." Or "Feldman sucks balls."

Okay, the words are:

- plural noun
- person in room (male)
- type of liquid
- verb ending in "ing"
- plural noun
- part of body
- verb past tense
- another person in room
- verb
- verb
- number
- adverb
- noun
- plural noun

Comment back with the words!